Like all kids, my kids have good days and it is a joy to be around them. And like all kids, my kids have horrible days and all I want to do is go into my bedroom and lock the door and then go into the connected master bath and lock that door just in case the kids find a way to break into the first locked door.
Yesterday was the later.
I had one errand to run and it was to Menards. I had one thing to pick up and we would be done. That’s it. In and out. No browsing (even though Menards and Home Depot are my favorite stores to browse) we would just grab what I needed and go. I must add to this that I have made a very serious effort to not make the kids spend their summer vacation running errands with me. I do most of my errand running on the weekends or at night when Tim gets home. If I had to count, I bet the kids don’t have to go on more than 3 errands a week with me and they usually get park time after. They live a cushy life. Probably too cushy.
ANYWAYS… Menards was horrible. They were naughty and bickering and bothering each other the whole time. More than once I did the mom hiss, “ENOUGH!” And I am pretty sure I gave the Mom, do not cross me stare the entire time we were in the store. To make matters worse, I was buying supplies to make Elise’s birthday present and felt some extreme righteous indignation that they wouldn’t just behave while I was trying to do something nice for one of them. Totally unfair considering they had no idea what I was buying plumbing tubing for but still… just be good for 10 minutes!
So that happened. It doesn’t sound all that bad, but when you are in the moment, it can do you in.
And then this happened.
Elise came to me crying while I was gathering up laundry saying that her snake had a hole in it. Sure enough her 5 foot stuffed snake from the zoo had a hole in it and fluff was coming out. I told her I would fix it later and she could help me fix it but I had to finish what I was doing first. I worked on laundry, made snack for the kids and when I sent the kids up stairs to clean up their toys and books off their bedroom floors I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had recovered from the anger of the Menards trip and the kids were being productive. Maybe I didn’t suck at parenting and maybe my kids just might grow up to be contributing members of society.
Of course this feeling didn’t last long.
The giggles I heard upstairs escalated into hyena laughs and then Patrick came down stairs and said, “there are cotton balls in the toilet and I have to pee.”
I told him that whoever put the cotton balls in the toilet has to pick them out and that he could pee in a different bathroom.
He peed in a different bathroom and headed back up stairs. The laughter above me got louder and then turned into a shouting match. “I didn’t put it in there I WON”T TAKE THEM OUT!” “Yuck! I am not doing that!” And then finally I heard Patrick say, “Lets just flush it down!” That is when I started running upstairs yelling at the top of my lungs for all the neighbors to hear, “DON’T FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET! DO. NOT. FLUSH. THAT. TOILET!”
When I got up stairs the kids were suitably scared at by shouting and I sent them to their rooms. Before I even entered the bathroom I saw the purple 5 foot snake laying on the ground looking like a deflated balloon. It wasn’t cotton balls, it was all the stuffing from the 5 foot purple snake. The snake that I bought them and instantly regretted buying them when we were at the zoo. We did not need three 5 foot long stuffed snakes in our house that was already bursting at the seams with crap. But I had a moment of weakness and I treated my kids even though I knew Tim would be mad about the snakes. Well, karma kicked me in the butt again. I spent 10 minutes fishing soaking wet polyester fluff out of the toilet.
After the toilet incident I messaged our favorite babysitter and asked if she would please, please, please watch the kids tomorrow night so we could get away from them for a while. She replied yes and I almost cried with relief.
When I messaged Tim to ask if he could leave a bit early tomorrow night, he replied “why?” and when I answered, “I lined up a sitter” I swear I could hear him sigh with relief when I read his text back, “That would be awesome.”
So today I clean. I clean so the sitter doesn’t call CPS and report that my kids live in a home with 2 weeks worth of dirty laundry and a floor covered in cereal crumbs. I know my sitter would never call CPS but I have this anxiety that has been passed down to me through many generations that if someone comes over and the house is not spotless the world will ignite into a fiery despair and the clouds will rain frogs and the world will come to an end. So I clean, and tonight I will go out to eat with my husband and order a bloody mary with extra pickles, then eat way too much fake chemically flavored buttery popcorn at some sci-fi movie and stay up way past my bedtime and all will be right with the world again.
What are you doing this summer Friday night? Have you cleaned polyester fluff out of a toilet lately? Please tell me that my kids are not the only monsters out there!